Wedding Advice from Jessica Simpson

Oh readers, you don't know what we go through for you. All this time I've been offline not blogging, I've been sneaking around my house with Jessica Simpson's I Do: Achieving Your Dream Wedding. My husband is too embarrassed to be in the same room with the book, so I had to hide it. I've now renewed it twice at the library (where some volunteer is probably snickering at my account) and I refuse to let this be an overdue book, so it's time I blogged and released it. (I'm not linking to the book. If you want it, you have to search for it yourself.)

It's taking me so long to get through because I can only "read" for about 5 minutes at a time. (Using the term "read" loosely. Mostly I look at pictures and skim captions.)

There are such nuggets as "setting the date can be as complex as an algebraic equation," to interviewing Vera Wang about dresses--since that's on everyone's wedding to-do list. One of the first big things you should do is interview a wedding coordinator. Then a photographer. Then everything else falls into place.

Every bride should have a hairstylist, a hair colorist, two makeup artists, a personal stylist, and a manicurist. Sure, who could live without that entourage? I'd die without my hair colorist and second makeup artist in tow. And according to the pictures, your sister should have the same hair color as you, but a less-flattering style.

Grooms aren't that important. There are hardly any photos of Nick, and while I haven't read every word, his little thoughts and quotes don't seem to be as prevalent as Jessica's. There's a lot of do-it-your-way, which feels insincere when it's surrounded by pull quotes of how Jessica did it. (Because her way isn't realistic for the majority of brides.)

Oh, and make sure the flowers are the exact shade of white as your wedding dress.

This is so bad I can't even call it a guilty pleasure. I just feel guilty.

Note the irony in achieving your dream wedding, but not necessarily your dream marriage.

I now have to find a tote bag big enough for carting this back to the library. When I picked it up, it didn't fit in my bag and I had to carry it through town for all to see. At least I can give the excuse, "It's okay--I'm a wedding blogger."