Attendants

I have seen and read about brides having nervous breakdowns over the attendants. Bridesmaids, groomsmen (ushers), junior bridesmaids… etc. How many should there be for a formal wedding? What do I do with an uneven number? I don’t even want to get in to quibbles over best friends and ex-best friends and their maid of honor duties.

In these confusing times, I look to Emily Post. Emily Post on Weddings has a whole chapter on attendants. As much as I love Emily, I happen to disagree with her on much of her attendant advice. But she provides a guide for getting me started, fodder for my attendant thoughts.

She frowns on “men of honor” and “best women” but I think that is all right. I was a best woman once and all the guests thought it was sweet.

Emily also says that it’s okay to have more ushers than bridesmaids, but one must never have more bridesmaids than ushers. She gives no explanation why, and I can’t really think of a good one either. So I say, who cares? You might say, But at the end of the wedding and everyone exits, how will the bridesmaids and ushers walk out as couples if there’s an uneven number? And to that I say, who cares? All the guests will be focused on the bride and groom and won’t pay any attention at all to a stray bridesmaid or usher.

Did you know that, according to Emily, it’s not obligatory to include your sisters or your partner’s sisters as bridesmaids? She makes the distinction between obligatory and customary. Since many sisters assume they will be bridesmaids, it’s good to get that communication out in the open right away. Discuss the whos and the whys with your partner, then tell all the attendants as soon as they are decided upon. (Also tell them as soon as you can what their expectations and duties are.)

It’s okay to disagree with Emily (except in cases of overt rudeness of course). That’s sort of the beauty of having her around. Not caring what Emily thinks gives me license to not care what others might think. If a wedding guest is seriously watching my ceremony to make sure everything is on the up-and-up with my attendant selection and their duties, then that guest needs to get a life—and I’ll be taking notes at her wedding to make sure everything is to a “t”.

(Actually, we aren’t having any bridesmaids or ushers, just a maid of honor and a best man. Will our guests wander around aimlessly without ushers on hand? I was at a large, formal wedding that seemed to take Emily’s advice of one usher per every 50 guests, but none of the ushers did any ushering. We guests did sort of wander around looking for familiar faces in hopes of saved seats. Do I need to rethink having ushers? I don’t want any additional bridesmaids and, horror of horrors, I could end up with an uneven number! Oh, wait, we are having cocktail hour before the ceremony. I think people will have taken too much advantage of the open bar to care. Problem solved.)

RSVP and Response Cards

I assumed that since I'm planning my reception--doing the seating chart, giving head count to the caterer, etc.,--the response cards would be sent to me. But my mom says they must go to her, that it just doesn't look right for the response cards to go directly to the bride. However, she lives an hour away from me, and she says she won't open any of the cards, she'll just come by every weekend with a bunch of them. If she's not even opening them, what's the point of them being sent to her?

I don’t know Vicky’s feelings about this, but I am anti-response card (which eliminates the above addressee issue). Emily Post says they are not in good taste. However, recent editions of Emily Post on Weddings concede that they may be justified because, “Unfortunately many people today do not bother to answer a wedding invitation promptly.” (The sentence actually ends with “by hand,” but I’ll get to that in a moment.)

I will lead the charge against using response cards. They are cold and impersonal. In general, we are a society that chooses convenience over meaning. While it may be too much to expect hand-written notes in response, a phone call or even an email is more personal than a checkmark on a pre-printed card. It’s a great icebreaker for opening up communication with family members or old friends you maybe haven’t heard from in a while. It lets your invitee give heart-felt regrets if he can’t attend. If you are having a large wedding, you won’t be able to spend a lot of time with each guest during the reception, so spending a few moments talking with them beforehand will make them feel even more welcome.

If you are on a strict budget they are an additional expense, because not only are you buying the cards and envelopes (and paying for them to be printed), it’s expected that you include postage on the envelope. Those costs add up. Are there other elements of your wedding that had to be changed or removed because of the budget? Eliminate those cards and get back something you really wanted.

They are not eco-friendly. More paper means more trees being cut and more trash being produced.

Eliminating response cards demands that we also become better guests. You can start leading by example the next time you are invited to any event by responding immediately to the host. People will notice how you respect them and their event and will do the same for you when your wedding invitation arrives. Having a party is not one-sided. The guests must respect the host and vice-versa.

Unfortunately, even if you do include response cards with your invitations, there will always be some people who will not RSVP. That’s just life. Some of their reasons will be justified (falling into a coma the same day the invitation arrives) and some of their reasons won’t be (laziness). I can’t find Emily’s opinion on if it’s okay to contact those people for an answer. TheKnot.com says it’s okay to contact them because you must provide an accurate headcount to the caterer. I find that The Knot gives us too much license to be bridezillas and that most caterers are prepared to handle a few extra or a few less guests. (I guess I’m leaning toward not contacting the no-responders, but we’ll see what happens when I’m actually in that spot.)

So, if, after all that, you still insist on using response cards, have them sent to whomever needs the guest list for the headcount and making the seating chart. That’s just logic. If it’s a question of your mom feeling left out, let her be the word-of-mouth contact person for gift registries and other similar information.